so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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