There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
