I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The air was thick with penises
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
