some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
