it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
