I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
