Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
