get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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