When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
