Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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