I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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