Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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