So gin and wine won't be happening again
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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