she looked like the before picture.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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