I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
