somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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