Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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