Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
