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why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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