They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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