Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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