My Higher Power is John Stamos
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
