Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So apparently I’m into choking now
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