Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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