I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
