i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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