Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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