It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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