I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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