Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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