There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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