He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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