found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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