I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
