and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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