my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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