Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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