The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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