New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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