i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He did a backflip because drugs
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
