remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
