It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
