I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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