tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
