At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Woke up backwards on a recliner
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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