My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
