I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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