I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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