In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
