Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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