i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
