fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
